Alexander
Benjamin
Petit XIV,
Esquire
The Wall Streets Journal's
Editor-in-Chief
(and only staff writer)
Alexander's Actual Work
Proof Alexander Is Famous
Famed Daily Show Alumni and even more famous Canadian, Samantha Bee once met Alexander and told him "You are really hilarious" as well as "that's inappropriate."
This is a photo of Alexander with a a Constitutional Law Professor from Chicago.
Alexander and Brian Stack, famous Conan O'Brien writer and current writer for Stephen Colbert. Alexander can attest he does indeed smell good in person.
Alexander has had numerous appearances on stages in as many as 3 states across the United States of America, which is located in North America, on the planet Earth.
THE STORY OF THE LEGEND
Alexander was born a small, black child in southern Mississippi, no wait a second... That was Steve Martin in The Jerk. My bad. But that is Alex's favorite comedy.
He was poor though! And being poor did something to him. It made him have to be funny. He didn't have the coolest kicks, or the flyest clothes, he had to stick out by being the goofy, funny kid who'd do anything for a nickel. And of course that led to him being extremely popular with the ladies and in general.
Nope. He was basically a weird loser until high school. Then he did drama and ROTC and achieved a major success for a high school student in Louisiana: He graduated... without any children.
After Hurricane Katrina devastated the city in 2005, Alexander then went to college because his dad said that "Moving to LA and being a stand up isn't a real career." Alexander showed him by moving to San Diego years later and passively aggressively writing about him on his website.
Then to pursue his dreams of becoming a comedian and please his dad, he went to an all black college in an effort to gain some material. After four years, he had accumulated three minutes of comedy.
Alexander then realized he needed a new place to get material. So he joined the Navy and went to Japan. He drove aircraft carriers and got in lots of trouble for a few years then moved to California where he currently lives.
Then, if you believe the newspaper clipping below, and you totally should, then Alex totally won the Boston Marathon. Totally. Like it's right there, no need to check or verify or anything! Haha. Seriously. He won. Don't check.
He occasionally does stand up comedy and likes to dress up as a Jedi for kid's birthday parties. His parole officer totally okayed it, sheesh, it isn't that weird ok?
In his personal life Alexander is a voracious reader, worships Billy Joel, loves updating his website, enjoys Presidential trivia, is a movie buff and can occasionally be spotted hiking against his will.
He is a proud member of the trivia team Vandelay Industries, who are currently 1st place champions in San Diego.
Most importantly he is editor in chief of THE WALL STREETS JOURNAL, your home for REAL fake news.
A very rare, early print version of
Balanced and Fair News, the predecessor to THE WALL STREETS JOURNAL
The logo of the classic satire site Balanced and Fair News, the predecessor to THE WALL STREETS JOURNAL
Alexander as Chewbacca on Conan (TBS). He made the costume in 24 hours from yarn and hot glue. Click the image to see the video.