LOS ANGELES, CA - Local barista, Kyle Rivers grew more and more concerned as the host-less Oscars ceremony played out in front of him and his group of friends who were all scoring better than he was on their Oscar prediction pools, despite Kyle having the seeming advantage of having a quarter of a million dollar film degree from the New York Film Academy.
His studious efforts seemed to be in vain early on in the evening when he thought his sure bet of Marina de Tavira from Roma would be an early win. His bets against technical awards for the blockbuster hit Black Panther were also misaligned and led him to being in last place when the Best Supporting Actor went to Mahershala Ali and not Sam Elliot for the star studded, A Star is Born.
His further predictions about Best Original Score and Best Adapted Screenplay also fell flat as it begun to dwell on him that his life up until that point may have all been wasted. The hours meticulously watching each nominated film and critiquing each performance was all in vain, and the crippling student debt he racked up was all for nothing.
It wasn't until the best Director and Best Picture announcements were made that Rivers realized he hadn't come up with a single correct prediction the entire evening and began to cope with the knowledge that his friends who had all fared better in the pool would never ever let him forget his shortcomings. He reportedly ended the evening wondering which would come first, paying off his student loans or living down the epic failure of the Oscars watch party.
Richmond, VA - Local resident of Memphis and lifelong white male, Dale Anderson can't quite understand the outrage over his Governor's recent blackface scandal while the grave injustice against whites stands uncontested in the form of the movie, White Chicks.
"When and only when Shawn and Marlon Wayan stand behind a podium and apologize for their ignorant portrayal of my proud race, will I be ready to talk about Governor Northam's so-called blackface scandal. I mean he did win the contest as Michael Jackson, so I mean that's something, right?" said Anderson.
White Chicks, the 2004 comedy film, featuring the Wayan brothers as undercover African American Federal Agents who pose as white women currently has a 5.5/10 score on IMDB and a paltry 15% approval on the ratings site, Rotten Tomatoes.
"The white face in that movie has caused the white race immeasurable pain and makes you wonder why anyone cares about our Governor's actions if this was a mainstream movie and there is not one cause for concern here! Every time I see those two in white face it makes me think of a time when we proud whites here in the south could... Well you know... State's rights. I mean it is all about state's rights."
Updated: Mar 17
DALLAS, TX - Local Resident Chad Wilson was extremely outraged over a recent Gillette commercial which depicted scenes of men promoting acts of what's known as "toxic masculinity".
He shuddered to think that a subsidiary of Proctor & Gamble would tell him how to treat women in the workplace or tell him that it is wrong to catcall women on the sidewalk. "If that's what Gillette thinks of a man, then they're never getting my business if I one day grow enough facial hair to warrant the use of a razor!"
Instead the angered white male went to his local Wal-Mart and purchased over $400 dollars worth of Gillette razors to burn in protest of the companies stance that men shouldn't be pigs.
After posting the pictures of the burning blades to Facebook and Reddit, Wilson calmed down enough to type out a post congratulating the President of giving "hamberders" to the winning Clemson Tigers last week at the White House.