AUSTIN, TX - Not willing to be outdone by fellow presidential nominee Andrew Yang who announced a contest where his campaign will give $1,000 a month to 12 families for a year, Democratic Presidential hopeful Beto O'Rourke announced his own plan during last night's Democratic Debate to take AR-15 assault rifles from 10 different families every month for a year.
"Hell yes, I will take your AR-15s and your AK-47s and I'm not going to wait until I am elected, because frankly that's seems less and less as time goes by. I will take away all guns from 10 different families, each month, over the next year," said O'Rourke at the end of the debate trying hard to top Yang's proposal.
O'Rourke will randomly choose names from his campaign's email list. This massive email collection mainly consists of donors from O'Rourke's failed Senate run to unseat Republican Ted Cruz, winner of the "Most Punchable Face Award" seven years in a row.
Updated: Mar 17
BENTONVILLE, AR - After a recent string of mass shooting incidents that have taken place in Wal-Mart stores, the retail powerhouse has decided to act by banning the sale of handguns and handgun ammunition. To make up for the loss sales the retailer has proudly introduced a line of Roll-Back Bazookas, specifically engineered to make anything one chooses to hunt turn into smithereens.
Gun control advocates believe it is a great start. One local gun control advocate, Otto Amo said, "The choice of Wal-Mart to move into firearm product that has such a small capacity is a great step in the right direction. Think about it. With a bazooka, you can only get off about one round a minute unlike those dangerous hand guns and semi-automatic weapons."
The NRA, who was initially unhappy with the retail giant's decision to remove the handguns from their inventory, was excited to learn about the Bazooka's introduction into the store's inventory. They are repeatedly working with gun manufacturers to find a way to create a high capacity magazine for the new Bazooka line.
Updated: Mar 17
MIAMI, FLORIDA - As the first ten Democratic Presidential contenders took the stage Wednesday to tackle the issues facing America, they debated relentlessly calling each other out on differences until they were unified by the hatred they had for the hot mic that was stealing their precious air time.
During the impromptu commercial break to fix the technical issue the candidates banded together to find and neutralize the threat.
Despite debating each other all evening they all agreed they hated anyone or anything that forbid them to continue to have their time on national television to speak to the American people before they lost the nomination to someone from the "real" debate night.