AUSTIN, TX - Somehow still a US Senator Ted Cruz announced Tuesday that if President Joe Biden's attempt to end the filibuster is successful then then every single American will be deprived of the sight of him reading Green Eggs and Ham while trying to kill a bill that would help every one of his constituents in a positive way.
The sad excuse for a human being gave a press conference and had the following to say, "As I serve the people of Texas, mainly from my hotel in Cancun, I think of what they've come accustomed to over the years, and I think that a filibuster-less Ted Cruz, well, that's just not for them. How can I be mocked, maligned and hated by every member of every party, and by my wife Heidi, if I don't have this platform available to make a damn fool of myself? What's next? They're going to suggest that I actually support good bills that help the people I represent and that will lead to me getting attention? That's not the America I live in, in MY America, we cook bacon on AR-15s and eat boogers during live debates.
Following the press conference, Mitch McConnel said that they would support the President's filibuster reform if it meant they never had to see Ted Cruz again, sadly, it seems that will not happen.
CARMEL, CA - Famed actress and animal rights activist Betty White was pronounced dead at this morning after she suffered a severe right hook to her nearly century old, osteoporosis riddled jaw. The blow was from a fellow fighter in what authorities are now learning was a secret underground fight club that White was involved in.
The Wall Streets Journal is now learning that White had joined the league in her early nineties to blow off steam from her day job as the supporting character in the TV Land show Hot in Cleveland.
White, who was famous for her animal activism over the years, had no problem "smacking a damn fool" who was "crackin' wise" in the ring when her turn to "throw down" came up.
The beloved Golden Girls leading woman will be missed and the Wall Streets Journal Staff wishes her a restful slumber that the star had certainly earned after six long rounds with Frankie "The Cobbler" O'Brien.
AUSTIN, TX - Not willing to be outdone by fellow presidential nominee Andrew Yang who announced a contest where his campaign will give $1,000 a month to 12 families for a year, Democratic Presidential hopeful Beto O'Rourke announced his own plan during last night's Democratic Debate to take AR-15 assault rifles from 10 different families every month for a year.
"Hell yes, I will take your AR-15s and your AK-47s and I'm not going to wait until I am elected, because frankly that's seems less and less as time goes by. I will take away all guns from 10 different families, each month, over the next year," said O'Rourke at the end of the debate trying hard to top Yang's proposal.
O'Rourke will randomly choose names from his campaign's email list. This massive email collection mainly consists of donors from O'Rourke's failed Senate run to unseat Republican Ted Cruz, winner of the "Most Punchable Face Award" seven years in a row.