WASHINGTON D.C. - President Donald Trump reversed his position on the next scheduled Presidential Debate this week by saying a virtual event would be, "a waste of time." He is instead demanding that the debate not only be in person, but that the candidates will shake hands at the start and share a single can of the President's favorite beverage, Diet Coke.
"If Sleepy Joe Biden (cough) weren't so scared of me, (hack) he would face me on the stage, shake my hand, breathe my breath and enjoy a ice cold Diet Coke I just drank from. What's he afraid of?" asked the President.
"Coronavirus," replied Vice President Biden. "Now listen here, he's obviously trying to get me sick. Do I look like Stormy Daniels to you Mr. President? No? Then why are you trying to fuck me like Stormy Daniels?"
Since the hissy fit the President said he is not contagious with the virus to a Fox News correspondent who had to clarify several times what the President was trying to say in between coughing fits.
NEW YORK, NY - Former Presidential adviser and all around strange guy, Roger Stone, was finally arrested by the Fashion Police Division of Special Investigator Robert Mueller on charges that include "wearing a bowler hat in the 21st century," as well as, "always wearing those stupid Harry Potter glasses," and the most egregious being, "having a Richard Nixon back tattoo."
The charges were expected for sometime since Roger Stone has been dressing like a 14 year old boy with deep pockets since the late seventies. The evidence against him is fairly damning and countless photos exist to prove his guilt. In a rare turn of events the Mueller probe released this statement about the arrest:
"Arresting Mr. Stone on these fashion related charges has been the easiest call we have had to make as an investigative team since this probe started two years ago. We are sure of his guilt almost as much as we are that Donald Trump is sure that Rudy Giuliani will end up getting him impeached."
When reached for comment, Mr. Stone had nothing to say but instead flourished his boat cloak about as he pranced down the sidewalk being led away by Federal Agents.
Updated: Mar 17
WASHINGTON D.C. - To welcome the recent National College Football Champions to the White House, the President decided to no roll out the red carpet, rather he brought out the Golden Arches. Due to the government shutdown, most White House staff were deemed unessential to the day to day operations of the US Government, including the catering staff, but oddly not including the President himself.
Without any working aides to advise him against such an impressive display of being a cheapass, tasteless pile of white trash that he is, the President thought the Clemson Tigers would enjoy his favorite foods of all time, the delicacy in America known world wide as McDonald's.
Not wanting to disappoint, the President wasn't going to just give the team McDonald's but he used the powers appointed to him by our Founding Fathers in the Constitution of the United States, the most sacred document ever written, the pillar of democracy that stands tall over so many fallen republics, the key words that make this country so very great, to demand McRibs even though they are off season.
Not only did he secure the McRibs, he also made sure none of the Kid's Meals he ordered had apple slices, instead they all contained fries. Sources on the scene also indicated that the President had his limo enter the drive-thru backwards so he didn't have to scoot over to order.
This reportedly caused a three hour delay at the window while the 1,200 sandwiches were being made. Oddly enough when the President arrived at the White House only 1,182 sandwiches were taken out of the limo, along with several paper bags just filled to the rim with wrappers.