SAN DIEGO, CA - A new study has uncovered a finding that is both revealing and not surprising in the least. Last week scientists determined that your voicemail box was full and has been since May 5, 2015. For the last two years anyone trying to leave you a message has had a rude awakening, you have no space for them.
The team of scientists who discovered this blame texting and applications such as Facebook Messenger making voicemails obsolete. They also took offense to the suggestion that they should be studying something "a little more important to society than voicemails" and said that "maybe if you would check your voicemails every once in a while we wouldn't be here, would we?"
They also went on to add that they were scientists and they would, "study whatever they damn well please," because that is what scientists do and that, "you should maybe stay out of it pal, if you know what's good for you."
They also predict that they current capacity of a phone's voicemail box, which is a measly 20 messages, will not change in the future allowing for more voicemails to pile up.
"Frankly, the technology just isn't there and I don't anticipate it getting there anytime soon. We have to admit the fact we can hold 20 messages is amazing and quite frankly baffling," said the team of scientists.
SAN DIEGO, CA - When local San Diego resident Alexander Petit said that he would try and eat healthier in the New Year to shed a few pounds and start 2018 on a more positive note, some of his friends doubted his resolve. Mr. Petit went on record stating his decision to make the change came as an epiphany sometime around 11 PM on New Year’s Eve.
“So there I was, about an hour left in 2018, and I thought, hey, I’ll eat better next year, that’ll be my resolution,” said Alexander as he was licking his fingers from the last cinnamon twist of the night.
Jason Fleming, a friend of Mr. Petit’s was less than optimistic when he heard of the resolution, “I mean, sure, maybe he will start 2018 on the right note, but he just ate an entire Domino’s pizza by himself, cleaned out half of the cinnamon twists and is currently scraping the bottom of the salsa bowl... it’s four minutes to midnight. I guess anything is possible.”
Critics be damned, reports found that Petit had indeed reduced his caloric intake and increased his exercise frequency in the first week of 2018. Alexander was seen choosing salads over high fat options, running instead of watching Netflix and even taking the stairs at work.
The week of progress came to a sudden halt when a small reward got out of control on the evening of January 6th. To celebrate a week of keeping his resolution, Petit decided that just one bite of a Snickers with Almonds couldn’t hurt. Reports indicate he successfully took one bite and savored the treat. Then he realized his mouth had a strange chocolate aftertaste that that only ice
cream could certainly alleviate. The ice cream he chose was about a quarter full so Alexander thought taking one serving wouldn’t be fair to the next person wanting the treat, so he finished off the pint. This led him to go ahead and finish the Snickers because, in Alexander’s words, “Hey why not? I ran yesterday.”
At the time of press, Alexander is reportedly sluggish and unfocused due to a diet consisting of Eggo Waffles, Lunchables, Chinese takeout and Flintstones Push-pops.
