Updated: Mar 17
SAN DIEGO, CA - Local atheist and Facebook philosopher Jim Harding was typing furiously at his keyboard in an attempt to prove once and for all to a former high school classmate that God is in fact a creation of man and not the creator of the universe and all that is in it.
"If he would only just see the obvious truth," muttered Harding at the time of press, "I am sure that this comment will finally make him see the light."
Working on the 65th comment in a long back and forth debate under a meme of Kermit the From sipping tea making a comment about how Priests can molest kids and keep their jobs but that it was none of Kermit's business, Jim Harding knew he was on the precipice of victory when he began drafting his latest six paragraph comment on the ever expanding thread.
Unbeknownst to him, the Christian was carried with him an equal level of optimism, knowing that he was only two to three comments away from saying the poor atheist's soul from an eternity of damnation and suffering in the sulfurous pits of Hell.
SAN DIEGO, CA - After settling into his new apartment after graduating from college, local resident Jake Carter went straight to IKEA to furnish his new place. Among the items he purchased for his new place was a striking minimalist coaster set purchased in order to preserve the finish on his Melltorp dining room table.
Always optimistic, Jake spent the extra three dollars on the six coaster set versus the one with just three. This was so that with enough guests over he could accommodate all their glasses and protect his table.
Unfortunately Jake's popularity peaked in September 2017 when he had four guests over and five out of the six coasters were used. The last coaster never left the holder that evening and hasn't since. Reports indicate that Carter's social life has waned since that epic September night and it looks like the coaster is never going to get a chance to have a glass sit on its face and collect the sweet condensation.
Unless there is a chance that Jake becomes popular by some miracle, or the coasters were knocked over and rearranged (unlikely as they sit in the center of the table) it seems the final coaster may never get his chance to save the 129 dollar Melltorp table from permanent water rings.
SAN DIEGO, CA - Area man, Alexander Petit showed up to work last Monday excited to surprise his friends and colleagues with his subtle new look. "Ever since the Christmas break I've been growing out the beard, honestly been getting great feedback on it, I think today they're really going to like what I've done," said the local salesman about his new facial hair choice.
He had taken a razor to his cheeks, expertly carving away copious amounts of hair until only a scruffy but full goatee remained adorning his otherwise clean shaven look. "This is it, this is the new me," said the ignorantly hopeful Californian, knowing for sure the reaction would have to be positive, while he actively pushed down the idea that if people hated it he would not have the emotional strength to accept such a failure.
Minutes after he arrived at work he quietly waited in his office to see if people would take notice. He reportedly was expecting a flurry of comments to come his way, approving his new choice of facial hair. After a few colleagues passed his office and refused to enter, he decided to pop into the strategy meeting he usually skipped. Accounts of the incident prove that this was a moment of realization for Petit.
"Holy shit, you weren't kidding," said fellow salesman, Jack Morrow to his co-worker Alejandro Dissenger while holding back laughter, "He actually did that, it's hilarious!"
Startled by the less than warm response, Petit chuckled nervously and tried to backpedal his earnest and sincere effort at self-improvement, "Hilarious, haha, yep, I got you, of course it's a joke dude. Totally a joke. Who would ever wear this stupid goatee for real? Ha!" Sources reveal that it was then, Alexander died a little inside knowing now as a fact what he so feared to be true.
Balanced and Fair News' sources uncovered the fact that on Tuesday, Petit did return to work completely clean shaven, but not before briefly contemplating the idea of whether he could pull off a mustache or not, which he couldn't.