WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump’s White House has responded loudly to the release of author Michael Wolff’s new tell-all book on his first year in the White House, calling the work “a grotesque work of fiction” and “transparent garbage”. These statements came from the White House and not the President, because he was reportedly unable to read Wolff’s work, as it contained too many large words and complete sentences, even though the President is, in his own words, “like, really smart”.
Trump was finally able to join the contentious debate after he could finally read the Junior Reader’s Edition of the novel, written specifically for both young children, adults with learning disabilities and Presidents who lost the popular vote by nearly three million ballots. He was furious after reading the book’s adaptation for young readers finding fewer illustrations that he was used to and was upset the story went on for more than one page, his preferred content length.
“Look, the book, which I have totally read, okay, as like, one of the, if not the smartest, person in the world, I can tell you, believe me, is totally, and the thing that really bothers me, is who would have thought, the fake news, that’s what it is, just fake news, the book, the fake news book, is totally fabricated, which means it was made up, okay, not made of fabric, which is not what I had thought at first, that's what the failing New York Times and CNN will say, believe me,” remarked the President when asked for comment.
Trump was especially outraged at the Choose your Own Impeachment feature of the children’s book which allows the reader to choose how the trump Presidency will end, either by nuclear war, treason, military coup, citizen uprising, or the 25th amendment. The book is available in the children’s section of any Barnes and Noble and in any West Wing bathroom.
SAN DIEGO, CA - Area resident, Alan Peterson was faced with a dilemma Wednesday when he couldn’t choose which book he wanted to “read” in January. Standing in front of his bookshelf, adorned with hundreds of unread novels, Peterson struggled to narrow down his beginning of the year book choice past his three finalists.
"Well, I want to pick a real solid book, you know one that can really captivate me," said Peterson, who hadn't finished a book in over half a decade, "It's real important to find right title, but it is hard, since I have so many good ones I want to get to."
Among his titles were several self-help books, novels, biographies, anthologies and even a collection of poems. Among the three books he had chosen as his finalist was a short collection of essays on the topic of climate change.
"I don't know if I want to start the year off too hardcore with so many facts and figures," remarked Peterson who's December choice was thumbed through twice before being left to collect a fine layer of dust during the final month of the year.
Down to only two choices, a dogeared edition of The Martian, lent from a friend, and a hardcover of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Peterson reportedly stared blankly at the two books for several seconds before walking away with The Martian, his final choice leaving the penultimate Tattoo, back on the shelf.
"Mark said this one was pretty good, so I'm looking forward to getting into it," said Peterson of the bestselling novel as he climbed into bed with the book.
Alan Peterson got six pages into the book before he decided to check his phone and see if The Martian was available on Netflix yet. Discovering it wasn't, he downloaded the film for $2.99 and planned to watch it Thursday night. At the time of press, nine days into January, the paperback has made an effective barrier between Peterson's charging phone and his nightstand.
Minutes before falling asleep, Peterson was mulling over several different ways he could word the Facebook post he was planning, detailing how the book was most certainly better than the film.