WASHINGTON D.C. - Current Chief of Staff to President Trump, General John Kelly cursed at the Fox News headlined displayed before him which read, UN AMBASSADOR NIKKI HALEY TO RESIGN, blowing what would be a sure bet that he had on Rod Rosenstein to be the next member of the Trump team to leave in disgrace.
"Good God..." muttered the former General. "I thought this... this was a sure thing. I placed it all on this. Christ, what am I going to tell Karen?"
Thinking it was a sure thing that Rosenstein was next to go, the former Marine reportedly put his life savings on the line to bet that either Sessions or his deputy would be the next to go. Seeing the news about Haley caused the usually composed and decorated war hero to slump against a wall and slide down until he sat on the floor, legs splayed out, with his head hung in defeat.
"I'm ruined," he muttered, knowing full well he would have to work for Trump for the rest of his life. Reports indicated he was last seen heading to Robert Mueller's office mumbling under his breath about a plea deal.
WASHINGTON D.C. - Surprising even the most experienced of reporters and political commentators, the Trump White House made a striking move today by announcing that no members of the administration would be fired today. Additionally, no member of the Trump team would resign, no associate of his would be called to testify, no one in his inner circle would be subpoenaed, no White House official would be accused of domestic abuse and no one would be calling the President names behind his back all day.
"It is certainly a shakeup," said April Ryan, a correspondent covering the White House, "I mean not even a racial slur from Sessions? This is truly a sign of the administration in chaos."
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave a press briefing and didn't blatantly lie or dodge questions either. She even confirmed once again that the President did have an affair with the porn star, Stormy Daniels.
"It is just so unlike the President to act this way," said conservative talk show host Sean Hannity, "By lunch we at least have a no name staffer leaving and tweeting about the amazing job Trump is doing, but it is clear something is up today since no one has cleared out their office yet."
At the time of the report, Attorney General Jeff Sessions was trying to be reached for comment but was reportedly hiding in a local motel under a false name to stay out of the President's mind as he awaited his career ending tweet.