WASHINGTON D.C. - Frustrated with the dog and pony show of telling the President of the United States what to act on, care about, think, tweet, govern on and get angry about from over 200 miles away, Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy recently announced the show will be filming live inside the Oval Office so that they can more effectively shape the policy of the country.
"We want to make sure that we are really connecting with our key demographic. What better way to slander the left and make sure that the President tweets about immigration than to do it 100 feet away from where he falls asleep every night next to a bag of McDonalds?" said Doocy.
"We've got the guy in our pocket, why keep up the charade? Plus I've been told from my sources in the White House sometimes Trump gets distracted during the commercials and puts on old episodes of The Apprentice, if we are live in front of him, we can continue to blame Hillary and Obama for everything even when the cameras are not rolling."
Ainsley Earhardt, Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy are reportedly just taking any one of the dozens of empty offices that adorn the West Wing after Trump has had other people fire most of his staff over the last year and a half.
Press Briefings will also just be tapes of that morning's Fox and Friends episode with edited in clips of Sarah Huckabee Sanders calling reporter's valid questions "absolutely ridiculous," over and over again.
President Trump was initially against the idea until he was told by Doocy that he would still be allowed to tweet during the show and play Fruit Ninja on his iPad during the parts when they aren't directly talking to him.
NEW YORK – Fox News’ HR Department recently announced a change in the company’s retirement plans via a press release. The changes detail the shift from traditional retirement plans to the more and more common payouts after being fired for career-long institutional sexual harassment.
Former Chairmen and CEO Roger Ailes left Fox News in July after multiple accounts of sexual harassment during his 20-year reign as the head of the network. This week, ratings leader Bill O’Reilly was let go for the same reason. Ailes and O’Reilly were pioneers in the new retirement program offered by Fox leaving the network with a 40-million and 25-million-dollar payout respectively.
The new shift at Fox discourages the use or IRA and 401K plans and instead suggest an early career focus on perpetual and well documented sexual harassment towards female employees. “Obviously, we want these claims documented,” said a spokesperson from Fox News, “Otherwise, it’ll be very hard to fire the employee, and if they can’t get terminated, they’re at a very high risk of not getting a substantial payout.”
New guidelines at the news network encourage a career progression that has a new sexual harassment claim brought against a rising male star every four to five years. The literature making the rounds at the news agency warns against too much harassment too soon. Said a spokesperson, “This could very well lead to straight termination without compensation. Nobody wants that.”
It seems the careers of O’Reilly and Ailes have been shown to be ideal examples for success with the new strategy. “The key is to become indispensable to the company, then have everything come to light, not before. Also, being a loud, raging, cocky asshole for 15 years on television also helps,” said O’Reilly when asked how new employees should start planning their harassment schedules.
When asked about female employees’ retirement plans, Fox News suggested they either marry a wealthy man before their looks deteriorated or to be on the other side of a male employee’s sexual harassment claim and receive a settlement that way.