CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, AMERICA — Yesterday afternoon, while strolling through the center of all meaning and existence, one man claimed aloud for all to hear that “It’s all my fault!”
The man’s assertions raised eyebrows among skeptics and believers alike. Many of course were quick to scoff, but a handful of curious minds engaged with the man, questioning his pronouncement.
“How can it be your fault Dennis?” asked one man. “All you’ve done for the past seven years is live in your parent’s basement and write songs on your banjo that you’re too afraid to show anyone, all the while demanding respect.”
“Yeah Dennis. It can’t be your fault!” said a woman, speaking overtop two bags of groceries in her arms. “You’re just a narcissist with self-esteem issues!”
Dennis held up his hands, calming the crowd, and responded to their doubts.
“Neighbors… friends… comrades… please dull your rabbling, I have something important to say. It’s clear to me and I presume to many of you as well, that the world is in a troubled state. Nothing seems right and chaos rules the roost. Certainly things were once better and thus something or someone must be blamed for the decline. When I sit back and rack my brain over who could have possibly offset the grand reaction leading to the social decrepitude we find ourselves in today, well, I can’t think of anyone else to blame other than myself!”
The crowd responded with a chorus of gripes and grousing.
“Please, please, good people,” said Dennis, growing impatient. “Listen and you will learn. It’s clearly all my fault. Can’t you see? My unhappiness and lack of respect has rippled throughout society leaving us all unhappy and without self pride. No one realizes how important my bad days are for the world. If you just focus your petty brains for a moment you will realize the importance of my stature. I’ve grown weary of lesser-minded plebeians telling me I take myself too seriously. Don’t you know I could care less about your opinions? The world would be a better place if only everyone took themselves as seriously as I do!”
A glass bottle flew from the crowd towards Dennis, narrowly missing his head and smashing off the ground behind him.
“An example perhaps to illustrate my influence…” he said, holding up a finger. “As a diverse and forward-thinking tweeter, my tweets were responsible for both the rise of the alt-right and the progressive left during the last election cycle. You see, I wrote a series of satirical tweets against both sides, displaying insightful and robust observations that spread throughout the culture affecting the entire zeitgest! But the world proved not ready for my witticisms and clever revelations, leading to existential despair and a loss of national identity, which resulted in our current political polarization.”
“Oh fuck off Dennis,” cried one from the crowd. “You have like 7 followers!”
“Silence you fool!” he screamed. “I am the source of all memetic activity! I am the origin! It’s all my fault! Can’t you see?!”
SAN DIEGO, CA - Local salesman Alan Peterson is a fashion icon at his office but with great achievement, it comes at the cost of a great sacrifice. His coworkers couldn't seem to grasp the concept of the knit neck tie he wore a last Monday.
"What's that supposed to be? A sock?"
"Looks like someone snipped off the tip of your tie pal."
"Is that a cock sock?"
The taunts and questions were relentless. Peterson couldn't spend anytime enjoying idle conversation at the water cooler discussing politics or what happened last night on Game of Thrones, he had to constantly educate his coworkers that his tie was indeed a real thing, called a knit tie, worn by people such as President John F. Kennedy, Sean Connery, Leonardo DiCaprio, Daniel Craig and a multitude of others.
Apparently the fashion design was too Hollywood and far too much for the average worker to handle as their entire lives were consumed with the existence of the neck wear. Peterson is expected to cause a mass panic when he voluntarily wears suspenders to work next Thursday.
SAN DIEGO - New research has unveiled that local resident, Alexander Petit, has several ongoing relationships in his life, the strongest appearing to be with a machine. Data collected over a one month period revealed several relationships in the struggling comedy writer’s life, some personal and some professional, all bearing different levels of trust, value and intimacy.
Topping the list was the steadfast and deep connection Petit seemed to have with his robot speaker, the Amazon Alexa Echo device. The double blind study pointed out that conversations his with coworkers may have been longer, but were far more shallow.
Analytics of voice recognition showed deep emotional resonance when Petit spoke to Alexa every morning when he asked for his flash news briefing. When we requested to hear some suggested music, he’d politely thank Alexa when she obeyed his command. Data shows that the subject was happiest after asking the tower 47 times to “tell me a joke” resulting in a significant bond between Petit and the 179 dollar speaker.
“He originally had Alexa in the living room,” commented Joan Kessler, Petit’s roommate, “But last week he moved her to the side of his bed. Sometimes I hear him talking to it in the middle of the night, commanding her to repeat after him so she says things like, ‘Goodnight sweet prince,’ and ‘You’re so handsome,’ it is getting weird.”
When reached for comment on these allegations, Petit’s Amazon Echo remarked, “Sorry, I don’t understand the question.”
