NEW YORK CITY, NY - Breaking tradition, President Donald J. Trump revealed his Presidential library today, which is located inside a news stand on Fifth Avenue in downtown Manhattan. Its 100 feet of shelf space easily holds the collection of treasured works by he President and accomplishments by his administration. The libraries of Presidents past are usually erected years after they have left office, and cover much more ground, housing all of the documents and legislation the administration worked on during the President's term.
In response to the ever present Mueller investigation, Trump decided to act swiftly and erect his own library while he still had the chance. Contents on the Fifth Avenue corner news stand included every copy of Time Magazine the President was on the cover of, as well as half a dozen he just photoshopped on. Included are several copies of the magazine that famed porn star Stormy Daniels spanked President Trump with, as well as copies of All Quiet on the Western Front which is the only book the President has ever said to have actually read. Also for sale are The National Enquirer, Golf Digest, and cases upon cases of unsold Trump Water from the nineties.
Additionally, there is one foot of shelf space that is devoted to the accomplishments of the administration, including a copy of the tax plan, the Nunes Memo, all three attempts at the travel ban, and the resignation letters of Michael Flynn, Sean Spicer, James Comey, Sally Yates, Tom Price, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, and his two ex wives.
Instead of having a book other that Fire and Fury written about his administration, the President thought it was easier just to have a loop of Fox and Friends play on a television screen, since they were more honest than any other source. This official tweet from the President found by the investigation team at Balanced and Fair News confirms this to be absolute fact: "Thank you to @foxandfriends for exposing the truth. Perhaps that’s why your ratings are soooo much better than your untruthful competition!" The three additional letters at the end of "so" are what led our team to believe that this tweet had to truthful.
CULVER CITY, CA - Exhausted and exasperated Morning Edition host Ari Shapiro, said the word "shithole" on the radio for the 16th time last week, signifying a shift in radio ethics not breached since NPR hosts had to utter the word "pussy" on the air to do their job and report the things the President of the United States says. Although it was a bleak week for public radio, it was a milestone in the life of the honored word, Shithole. Before Trump's disparaging remarks about immigrants wanting to emigrate to the United States from African countries, the word was considered too taboo for the mainstream media and especially radio. Since the comment though, Shithole has seen both major spikes in use and has been welcomed into the "Trump Made NPR Say This Awful Word" Hall of Fame. "Frankly, I'm honored the President used me, things have been really going well for me," said Shithole when asked for comment. Shithole went on to clarify, "I am really part of the vernacular now! I've made appearances on CNN, NPR, Fox, hell even on PBS. Pussy and I are really enjoying the elite status among swear words, and we keep telling all the others, not too worry, it'll only be a matter of time before Trump brings you into the spotlight. My money is on the N-word next, but isn't that obvious?"
Hosts of various NPR shows are currently looking to hire African American hosts in preparation for the inevitable.