WASHINGTON D.C. - As harsher winters hit the United States every year, the poor and disenfranchised citizens of northern states have struggled in the last decade to manage their limited income and heating costs. Luckily, Obama era guidelines have offered government assistance for their heating costs allowing these poor families' incomes to go farther.
In President Trump's new budget, these helpful subsidies would be eliminated. The President however, didn't see what the big deal was.
"Look, okay, so, like it snows in New York City, right, maybe you've heard of it, the city that never sleep, okay? It's where I'm from, frankly, and many people are saying this, it is the greatest city in the world, take it from me. Believe me. Anyways, so yeah, it snows, and do you ever see me in the snow? Does the dishonest media ever show pictures of me in the cold snow? I don't like the snow but the media wouldn't tell you that, they'd tell you I was Frosty the Snowman. Okay, but no when it snows, what do I do? I go to a little place, I don't know, maybe you've heard of it? Mar-a-lago? Hello, why do my taxes and believe me I pay taxes, man is this tax bill bad for me...Why are my taxes paying for these folks, okay, who need to stay in their homes? Okay so yeah I go to Florida, so I guess what I am saying is, maybe we can spend less heating the homes of those who are too stubborn to fly to their second homes in Florida. I don't heat Trump Tower with the government's money, okay? I have a Russian who pays for it," said the President when asked about the proposal.
Further reports indicate that when White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about the President's statement, she muttered, "I need a drink," under her breath while she began her rebuttal, making a connection between President Trump playing more golf so that the country could save money by not cleaning up any messes he could have made while otherwise trying to be President.
CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA – Local elderly man and lifelong conservative Jim Smith no longer receives his government funded dinners from the Meals on Wheels program after severe budget cuts from the Trump administration. The cuts provide the necessary federal funding for Trump’s proposed border wall between the United States and Mexico and a proposed 50 billion dollar increase in the military budget.
Smith, a lifelong Republican and ardent Trump supporter, has fallen victim to the reduced funding, but his stance on the President has not changed, “Frankly, I am glad those cuts were made, there is no good reason I should be stuff my face with a hot meal every single night at the cost of the taxpayers. I’d rather we buy another three million dollar patriot missile.”
Too weak to physically gesture to his “Make America Great Again” hat, the starving senior citizen offered up this logic behind his support, “America is going to be great again, because of Mr. Trump. I haven’t been this hungry since the rations in the war, and let me tell you sonny boy, were we great back then.”
Mr. Smith’s diet now mainly consists of the oatmeal his twice weekly caretaker brings and the half eaten donuts she leaves behind. During the interview he was sucking on a used tea bag to get the last bit of flavor out. Besides his twice weekly care taker, Jim Smith’s only human contact comes from the neighbor children he regularly yells at to get off of his lawn. He said he would talk to the mailman like he did years ago, but the new one is “one of them Hillary supporters.” When asked what he meant by that, he said the mailman was black.
Mr. Smith also denied a trip to the hospital offered by the news team, because he didn’t have insurance and didn’t want a hand out. “If you think for one minute I’m gonna let that Kenyan illigetmate "president" force insurance down my throat you got another thing coming,” remarked Mr. Smith between a series of weary wheezes.
Medically speaking, Mr. Smith was approximately 48 hours away from starvation at press time but had no regrets, as he remarked time and time again that he wouldn’t want to live in a country with a female President so dying under Trump’s rule would be an honor.