WASHINGTON D.C. – Senate Republicans voted yesterday in favor of the GOP’s tax plan which is expected to pass this week. The bill is aimed at helping struggling Americans who can only afford one yacht per household, which is well below the number of boats per household of the average Congressman.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is declaring the bill’s imminent passage as a win for all his constituents who struggle every month to entertain, relax and impress guests with only a single boat. “This bill is designed to give targeted cuts to the Americans that need it the most, not the welfare grabbing poor people who live on handouts, but the hard-working citizens that have no place to hold a Sweet 16 party for their little princess when their one yacht is in the shop.”
The three tenths of one percent of Americans that currently do own leisure craft are excited as well. A member of Paul’s home district, Reginald Von Rockefeller IV, described his difficult situation, “Now with this bill, I can finally afford a second back up boat. I initially couldn’t afford one because I had to pay for the healthcare of my workers, but now that this effectively repeals the Affordable Care Act, I might even splurge for some jet skis.”
President Trump, who is expected to save billions from the cut, is looking forward to purchasing an entire fleet of vessels with his savings after hearing from General Michael Flynn that is was impossible to be arrested in international waters.
SAN JUAN, PR - Enrique Lopez, a resident of San Juan Puerto Rico, recently lost everything he owned in the wake of the Category 5 Hurricane which devastated the small island last week. His home, dog, vehicle and the entirety of his possessions were washed away by the powerful winds and flooding of the storm. Starving and alone, Lopez sought aid at the local shelter where he was ushered into a crown of people set to meet with the President of the United States. “The roll of paper towels hit me square in the face,” said Lopez, commenting on his solitary possession recently acquired from the leader of the free world. “I do wish it was two-ply, though,” remarked the homeless and now paper towel owning Puerto Rican citizen.
Enrique went on to point out how he is very grateful that the President even showed up. “When you think about it. Thousands died during Katrina, and Bush took days to get to New Orleans, Trump came out here and we only have 16 confirmed dead. Sixteen Hispanics! He’s really someone special for taking his time to come here and pelt paper towels at us.”
Others at the makeshift rally had the same sentiments, a local school teacher, Rita Gonzales, had this to say of the President’s visit, “Well, I am glad he is actually doing something unlike the Mayor. I mean he is supposed to be golfing, we really appreciate his help. Sure, we don’t have running water or electricity but you should see the smiles on people’s faces knowing that trophy was dedicated to us. It’s really turned our spirits around. I don’t even think I’ll be too bothered sleeping on the street tonight knowing that trophy is really for us!”
Lopez left after Trump had finished tossing the one-ply paper towel rolls to the citizens of Puerto Rico, smiling as he reached the plot of land where his house once stood. He reportedly was seen at the time of press trying to eat the roll of paper towels for sustenance, a smile on his face, focusing on a bright future ahead.