SAN DIEGO, CA - Local man, Alexander Petit, continues to regularly write and update his new site, despite a definitive lack of readership. Posting the fake news from his seldom trafficked satire news site, the aspiring author sits down once or twice and week and spends valuable time writing articles and witticisms that are shared to his Facebook wall and only occasionally liked or commented upon by no more than half a dozen people from his pool of over 1,000 Facebook friends.
“This is really something that I feel is getting traction. Real traction. Readership this week has doubled over last week!” commented Petit on the fact that his most recent article got four likes rather than the occasional two. When asked why he writes, he answered that it was cheaper than drinking, and he felt just as bad the next day so it seemed like an economical no-brainer.
Faithful readers of the budding site include two of Petit’s friends from his high school years who regularly show the author their support by occasionally commenting and even, on rare occasions, sharing his content. “Funny.. And yet sad. Lol,” was the remark reader Holly Jones poignantly left on Petit’s latest piece, unknowingly encouraging the local author to write even more, despite the obvious lack of demand.
Anthony Pettitte, who bears no relation to the Editor-in-Chief commented, “.... Oh my god, that was glorious.” on a post recently, which experts agree was most likely an accidental comment. A local researcher who first stumbled upon the barely read page saw the comment as an outlier:
“Frankly, no one else has even acknowledged this guy, and we are supposed to believe that this Pettitte guy thinks it’s ‘glorious’? Give me a break. The office pool has 3:1 odds that Petit lazily made up the Pettitte account just to comment on his own work. Either way, it’s pretty pathetic.”
Despite the tepid interest, trends show that the satire site will continue at the current pace, despite the less than stellar response as common sense shows that the author would have quit much sooner if he cared at all about his news site being read by anyone, anywhere, ever.
When asked about what 2018 had to offer for his faithful readers, Petit gleefully replied, “Well, you’ll just have to read to find out!” If that’s the case, it seems that is will remain a mystery for this reporter.
SAN DIEGO, CA - Area man, Alexander Petit showed up to work last Monday excited to surprise his friends and colleagues with his subtle new look. "Ever since the Christmas break I've been growing out the beard, honestly been getting great feedback on it, I think today they're really going to like what I've done," said the local salesman about his new facial hair choice.
He had taken a razor to his cheeks, expertly carving away copious amounts of hair until only a scruffy but full goatee remained adorning his otherwise clean shaven look. "This is it, this is the new me," said the ignorantly hopeful Californian, knowing for sure the reaction would have to be positive, while he actively pushed down the idea that if people hated it he would not have the emotional strength to accept such a failure.
Minutes after he arrived at work he quietly waited in his office to see if people would take notice. He reportedly was expecting a flurry of comments to come his way, approving his new choice of facial hair. After a few colleagues passed his office and refused to enter, he decided to pop into the strategy meeting he usually skipped. Accounts of the incident prove that this was a moment of realization for Petit.
"Holy shit, you weren't kidding," said fellow salesman, Jack Morrow to his co-worker Alejandro Dissenger while holding back laughter, "He actually did that, it's hilarious!"
Startled by the less than warm response, Petit chuckled nervously and tried to backpedal his earnest and sincere effort at self-improvement, "Hilarious, haha, yep, I got you, of course it's a joke dude. Totally a joke. Who would ever wear this stupid goatee for real? Ha!" Sources reveal that it was then, Alexander died a little inside knowing now as a fact what he so feared to be true.
Balanced and Fair News' sources uncovered the fact that on Tuesday, Petit did return to work completely clean shaven, but not before briefly contemplating the idea of whether he could pull off a mustache or not, which he couldn't.
SAN DIEGO, CA - When local San Diego resident Alexander Petit said that he would try and eat healthier in the New Year to shed a few pounds and start 2018 on a more positive note, some of his friends doubted his resolve. Mr. Petit went on record stating his decision to make the change came as an epiphany sometime around 11 PM on New Year’s Eve.
“So there I was, about an hour left in 2018, and I thought, hey, I’ll eat better next year, that’ll be my resolution,” said Alexander as he was licking his fingers from the last cinnamon twist of the night.
Jason Fleming, a friend of Mr. Petit’s was less than optimistic when he heard of the resolution, “I mean, sure, maybe he will start 2018 on the right note, but he just ate an entire Domino’s pizza by himself, cleaned out half of the cinnamon twists and is currently scraping the bottom of the salsa bowl... it’s four minutes to midnight. I guess anything is possible.”
Critics be damned, reports found that Petit had indeed reduced his caloric intake and increased his exercise frequency in the first week of 2018. Alexander was seen choosing salads over high fat options, running instead of watching Netflix and even taking the stairs at work.
The week of progress came to a sudden halt when a small reward got out of control on the evening of January 6th. To celebrate a week of keeping his resolution, Petit decided that just one bite of a Snickers with Almonds couldn’t hurt. Reports indicate he successfully took one bite and savored the treat. Then he realized his mouth had a strange chocolate aftertaste that that only ice
cream could certainly alleviate. The ice cream he chose was about a quarter full so Alexander thought taking one serving wouldn’t be fair to the next person wanting the treat, so he finished off the pint. This led him to go ahead and finish the Snickers because, in Alexander’s words, “Hey why not? I ran yesterday.”
At the time of press, Alexander is reportedly sluggish and unfocused due to a diet consisting of Eggo Waffles, Lunchables, Chinese takeout and Flintstones Push-pops.