ARCTIC CIRCLE - Waking up late after a long night of drinking with the local union of elves, Mr. Kris Kringle of the North Pole frantically realized Thursday morning that he had mere minutes to complete his Amazon order to ensure his gifts would arrive to their deserving recipients on time.
The life long resident of the North Pole decided to try Amazon Prime this year instead his normal routine of delivering every child on the planet a toy via an antiquated means of travel: a sleigh. His late evening out was to celebrate the long earned vacation deserved after centuries of yearly gift deliveries.
At the time of printing, Mr. Klaus was frantically trying to remember his Amazon password so that he could ensure the list he made was checked twice. “I can’t be too careful, some of these gifts don’t have Prime shipping, sure they’d get there before 2017, but that’s not really my style,” said Kringle in a statement. Failed password attempts included, ReInDeErGaMeS, putmeinurchimney69, hohoho and password1.
The switch to online gift distribution was supposed to be a time saver, not a hassle, according to Mrs. Kringle, wife of the famous altruistic saint: “The infrastructure is there, why not use it? Plus my little Saint Nick deserves a break, do you know what all those cookies do to a man of his age?”
Unbeknownst to Amazon, if Mr, Kringle is able to submit his order, he will have effectively made the best use of the company’s $100 a year, 2 day delivery subscription service, with an average of 19 million parcels delivered for every dollar paid. Although analysts agree numbers could vary depending the number of naughty children in 2016.
An Amazon spokesperson who we reached out to for the story did seemed concerned about such a large order, Amy Szon, a spokesperson for the company explained it this way, “Sure he might have a few more packages than the average user, but some people just use Prime for the video and music streaming, so it all adds up in the end. How bad could it be?”
When asked about allegations that Mr. Kringle “watches [children] while they are sleeping” and “knows when they are awake” we received no comment, but can confirm there was indeed a twinkle in the man’s eye.
Regardless of the delivery date, Mr. Kringle ensured that the children of the world would indeed get their gifts, even if delivered a day late. “Worst case, we’ll call them Hanukkah gifts, that shit goes on for like a week right?” remarked Kringle.