SAN JUAN, PR - Enrique Lopez, a resident of San Juan Puerto Rico, recently lost everything he owned in the wake of the Category 5 Hurricane which devastated the small island last week. His home, dog, vehicle and the entirety of his possessions were washed away by the powerful winds and flooding of the storm. Starving and alone, Lopez sought aid at the local shelter where he was ushered into a crown of people set to meet with the President of the United States. “The roll of paper towels hit me square in the face,” said Lopez, commenting on his solitary possession recently acquired from the leader of the free world. “I do wish it was two-ply, though,” remarked the homeless and now paper towel owning Puerto Rican citizen.
Enrique went on to point out how he is very grateful that the President even showed up. “When you think about it. Thousands died during Katrina, and Bush took days to get to New Orleans, Trump came out here and we only have 16 confirmed dead. Sixteen Hispanics! He’s really someone special for taking his time to come here and pelt paper towels at us.”
Others at the makeshift rally had the same sentiments, a local school teacher, Rita Gonzales, had this to say of the President’s visit, “Well, I am glad he is actually doing something unlike the Mayor. I mean he is supposed to be golfing, we really appreciate his help. Sure, we don’t have running water or electricity but you should see the smiles on people’s faces knowing that trophy was dedicated to us. It’s really turned our spirits around. I don’t even think I’ll be too bothered sleeping on the street tonight knowing that trophy is really for us!”
Lopez left after Trump had finished tossing the one-ply paper towel rolls to the citizens of Puerto Rico, smiling as he reached the plot of land where his house once stood. He reportedly was seen at the time of press trying to eat the roll of paper towels for sustenance, a smile on his face, focusing on a bright future ahead.
President-Elect Donald Trump held his first press conference in 167 days Tuesday morning, much to the chagrin of those who do not like to hear six-grade level answers coming from the mouth of the future leader of the free world.
During the conference, Trump answered less than half a dozen questions before retreating from the podium and passing the microphone to a lawyer who quickly explained how Trump cannot have any conflicts of interest as President and then spent several minutes explaining the nature of Trump’s current conflicts of interest and how they really aren’t conflicts of interest.
After the explanation from the lawyer, Sheri Dillon, Trump took to the podium again to answer more questions. Missing from his usual speech behavior was his trademark gesticulation; curiously his hands remained below the sight of the cameras, allowing him to tweet simultaneously while he answered questions from reporters.
When answering a question about meeting with business leaders to bring jobs back to the United States from a reporter at Chatter, Trump tweeted the following:
A follow up question about building a wall across the Mexican border to the United States led to what a reporter who has asked not to be named has called an “incoherent rambling that is reminiscent of an ADD crippled, addle-brained, fever dream-esque rant from an obvious sociopath.” He’s claimed repeatedly that so many people chanted “build the wall” at his rallies that Mexico has to pay for it now, “All those people can’t possibly be wrong.” Meanwhile, he tweeted this out while answering the question:
Finally, while dodging a question about his alleged ties with Russia, as gracefully as his aide Kellyanne Conway dodges every question she’s asked, Trump tweeted this message under the podium to mock the reporter:
While walking away from the podium, multiple reporters pointed out the President Elect that he had not directly answered the question. Doing what he does best, Trump walked away, ignoring facts and continuing to exist in a reality that only he perceives to be true.