AMHERST, MA - Local, first time, self proclaimed, open mic, stand up comedian Todd Sachs delved into the wild and adventurous world of live comedy last week when he took the stage for the first time to entertain the patrons at his local dive bar's weekly open mic night.
Reports indicate that during his five minutes on stage (some performers who didn't buy a drink only got three minutes) he was able to make a resounding one hundred percent of the audience laugh at least once during his 300 seconds in the spotlight.
Sources indicate that both Jack Beaumont, a regular at the bar and Laura Sachs, Todd's mother and biggest fan both enjoyed what has been reported to be "most or at least some" of his material.
Todd has not let the success get to his head though, he has plans to remain humble despite all the attention. The poor quality photo that he uploaded to his Facebook of his debut performance garnered an impressive 41 likes, two loves, and one wowee face.
"Look, I'm no fool, the Netflix special may be right around the corner, sure, but in the meantime I need to work on my craft, really polish all 13 of my jokes, I think I owe it to my fan," said the comedian at the bar after his set to a bartender that was clearly just being polite for a tip.
When he isn't entertaining intimately sized crowds, Sachs is usually writing for The Salted Pretzel, a satirical news blog that still exists despite the acknowledgement by most in the comedy community that the format died years ago.
LOS ANGELES, CA - America’s greatness will be fully restored in the coming weeks when the hit singing competition American Idol graces us with its presence on prime time television once again. Reports out of America indicate that not only are the singers more talented than ever before, but the personal tragedies are more heart-wrenching than anything viewers could possibly imagine.
“We have one guy that was skiing while on vacation in Alaska when a pack of rabid wolves jumped out and ate his entire family,” said one of the show’s producers. “There’s a girl that lost half of her face and most of the skin on the right side of her body while trying to save an entire orphanage from a raging fire, and another who had to sell both of her kidneys after losing all of her money in a Ponzi scheme. And the singing isn’t bad either.”
While the talent may be better than ever, producers say one contestant clearly stood out from the rest of the crowd as early as the very first day of auditions.
“Marcus has the most amazing voice I’ve ever heard in my life,” said Katy Perry, an Idol judge and aspiring Real Housewife of Atlanta. “It’s flawless. Unfortunately, he’s never really experienced any personal tragedies, so I can’t see him making it past the first round. I guess there’s a slight chance, but it all depends on whether or not Angela wakes up from her coma in time to perform.”
Marcus, the owner of a small pizza shop in Lincoln, Nebraska, admits that his life has been pretty smooth to this point.
“My dad did pretty well in the stock market, so I never really had to worry about money growing up,” said the 29-year-old. “I was able to put aside some money, opened my own pizza place, and my life’s been pretty smooth ever since. My childhood dog got sick when I was a freshman in college and I thought we were going to have to put him down, but he made a full recovery. He’ll be 23 tomorrow...the vet can’t believe it.”
While he knows that his chances of surviving past the first round are slim to none, Marcus said he doesn’t mind and that he’s just having fun with it.
SAN JUAN, PR - Enrique Lopez, a resident of San Juan Puerto Rico, recently lost everything he owned in the wake of the Category 5 Hurricane which devastated the small island last week. His home, dog, vehicle and the entirety of his possessions were washed away by the powerful winds and flooding of the storm. Starving and alone, Lopez sought aid at the local shelter where he was ushered into a crown of people set to meet with the President of the United States. “The roll of paper towels hit me square in the face,” said Lopez, commenting on his solitary possession recently acquired from the leader of the free world. “I do wish it was two-ply, though,” remarked the homeless and now paper towel owning Puerto Rican citizen.
Enrique went on to point out how he is very grateful that the President even showed up. “When you think about it. Thousands died during Katrina, and Bush took days to get to New Orleans, Trump came out here and we only have 16 confirmed dead. Sixteen Hispanics! He’s really someone special for taking his time to come here and pelt paper towels at us.”
Others at the makeshift rally had the same sentiments, a local school teacher, Rita Gonzales, had this to say of the President’s visit, “Well, I am glad he is actually doing something unlike the Mayor. I mean he is supposed to be golfing, we really appreciate his help. Sure, we don’t have running water or electricity but you should see the smiles on people’s faces knowing that trophy was dedicated to us. It’s really turned our spirits around. I don’t even think I’ll be too bothered sleeping on the street tonight knowing that trophy is really for us!”
Lopez left after Trump had finished tossing the one-ply paper towel rolls to the citizens of Puerto Rico, smiling as he reached the plot of land where his house once stood. He reportedly was seen at the time of press trying to eat the roll of paper towels for sustenance, a smile on his face, focusing on a bright future ahead.