Updated: Mar 17, 2021
NEW ORLEANS, LA - Residents of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida are frankly a little sick and tired of hearing everyone freak out about Hurricane Florence and her endless assault of never ending rain on North and South Carolina. Several disgruntled members of the Gulf states reckon it isn't fair and they are due for their own storm.
"Now you tell me how else am I gonna get me both CNN, fake news liberal media, and Fox News, which is trusted fair and balanced because the President, MAGA baby, tells me so, to come down here and give a shit about me unless I'm neck deep in flood water," asked concerned resident of Mandeville, Louisiana Brittney Gautier.
"It just ain't fair. Hurricanes and flooding are all we got down here. Not fair for states that actually matter to be taking all we got. The damn hurricane ain't even no hurricane no more, it's a tropical storm or it's depressed or something."
Echoing her concerns or other deep South residents are pissed off they haven't had a Katrina like storm in ages, causing the nation to collectively ignore the Gulf states until something interesting happens in them or a storm hits, whichever happens first.
BATON ROUGE, LA - Locals of Southern Louisiana are bracing for impact from an incoming cold front expected to dip to at least 24 degrees. Reports indicate that most individuals polled are not satisfied with their $250 Walmart haul from four days ago and will venture out in the storm in search for canned meat products to help fend off starvation. Fearing the worst, locals have raided the nearby and neighboring Rouses Supermarkets and completely cleaned out the entire stores inventory of the dietary staples Bunny Bread and Vienna Sausage.
Single mother of two, Korie Breauxdeaux, was found in tears on Aisle Six of a local store, clutching the last can of potted meat. "I just don't know how I'm going to feed my children without 12 cans of my poor baby’s favorite processed can of ham. People are crazy out here, and I don't want my two kids to go hungry!"
Local meteorologists suggest that the affected weather advisory area could see as much as a quarter inch of a rain or slush mix. The impending storm not only has the general public panicked, but education administrators too. This includes officials at LSU and superintendents at the middle and high school levels, most of which have already shut down indefinitely until Louisiana decides to, according to one local area Principal, "pull herself together".
Many will be huddled together with friends and family tonight, trying to stay warm with SPAM sandwiches and space heaters, while others will brave the bitter cold for the opportunity to fist fight grocery store shoppers over the last link of boudin sausage. Just a remember from Balanced and Fair News’ fourth largest sponsor, all local 24-hour Wal-Mart locations will be open all day, ready for all your survival and fighting needs.
