Updated: Mar 17, 2021
NEW YORK, NY - Netflix is set to raise the price of their monthly subscription plans next month by one to two dollars each because they reportedly have you right where they want you.
Their sophisticated algorithms and intense development of original content aren't to blame either, as the price hike is seemingly due to the fact that 87% of millennials who use the service wouldn't be able to function without reruns of the popular NBC sitcom The Office constantly playing in the background of their lives.
"Through our research, we have identified that The Office accounts for more hours of streaming that any other program by a long shot. At this point we realize that most people are using it as an emotional crutch, laughing at the follies of Michael and Dwight while hiding from their own insecurities and shortcomings," said a Netflix spokesperson.
"We have them emotionally right where we want them. They'll pay us anything to watch Threat Level Midnight for the 13th time while they scroll through their smartphones avoiding social obligations and instead thoughtlessly send memes to their friends who in response send the obligatory 'lol' furthering the cycle of dependence more and more."
Netflix considers the small hike merciful, knowing the added cost could be three times more and the average millennial would still shell out the money for the service.
"When you have $69,000 of student debt, 20 more bucks a year for the company of Dunder Mifflin is really nothing," said the spokesperson.
Updated: Mar 17, 2021
SAN DIEGO, CA - Local resident Derick Matthews made a solid New Year's resolution last week by setting a personal goal to shake things up in 2019 by trying new things instead of falling into the old habits of yesteryear.
His first move on January first was to have oatmeal for breakfast instead of cereal, a move he was quite proud of, given how much of a cereal fan he is. In a second surprising mood he decided to take a different route to the grocery store where he bought a different brand of mac and cheese for dinner instead of the usual Velveeta and shells.
His resolution came to a grinding halt that evening when he was chowing down on his mac and cheese and slowly panning through all the titles on Netflix. He contemplated Bird Box, everyone was talking about that, and passes over Parks and Recreation, before he finally decided he should play it safe and go ahead and start The Office again.
Although he had lost track years ago, this was Matthew's twelfth time starting the series, and like the previous five watchthroughs he would spend more attention to his phone's Facebook and Instagram feed than the background noise of Michael Scott's antics.
At the time of press Matthews was already reportedly on season three's fifteenth episode Ben Franklin, featuring guest star Andy Daly as a sassy founding father.
