WASHINGTON D.C. - Sean Spicer, former Press Secretary for President Trump has been spending the last few weeks on a book tour, promoting his memoir entitled The Briefing: Politics, the Press, and the President which is believed to be a beginner's guide to alliteration.
Meeting folks on the various stops in backs of Barnes and Nobles and boutique book shops hasn't truly filled the hole left in his life by the lack of habitual lying and deceit to the American people.
Being on camera, repeating over and over again that he had not spoken to the President about a certain thing and lying when he did, was special to him. Reports indicate that he even misses Melissa McCarthy's performance of him on SNL, which he now claims to be a liberal propaganda machine designed to take down Trump since it's inception over four decades ago.
Book tour and podcasts aside, he just misses being important and relevant in today's world. Reports indicate that Spicer divides his time between hiding in the bushes of the White House lawn for old time's sake and hanging out with H.R. McMaster, Gary Cohn, Rex Tillerson, Scott Pruitt, Hope Hicks, Anthony Scaramucci, Steve Bannon, Tom Price and Rob Porter who have all had a lot of free time after getting canned from the current administration.
WASHINGTON D.C. - Current Chief of Staff to President Trump, General John Kelly cursed at the Fox News headlined displayed before him which read, UN AMBASSADOR NIKKI HALEY TO RESIGN, blowing what would be a sure bet that he had on Rod Rosenstein to be the next member of the Trump team to leave in disgrace.
"Good God..." muttered the former General. "I thought this... this was a sure thing. I placed it all on this. Christ, what am I going to tell Karen?"
Thinking it was a sure thing that Rosenstein was next to go, the former Marine reportedly put his life savings on the line to bet that either Sessions or his deputy would be the next to go. Seeing the news about Haley caused the usually composed and decorated war hero to slump against a wall and slide down until he sat on the floor, legs splayed out, with his head hung in defeat.
"I'm ruined," he muttered, knowing full well he would have to work for Trump for the rest of his life. Reports indicated he was last seen heading to Robert Mueller's office mumbling under his breath about a plea deal.
Updated: Mar 17, 2021
WASHINGTON D.C. - President Trump is gearing up for a response to what may be the largest national disaster to hit the United States in recent memory, since his administration has already forgotten about Puerto Rico and Hurricane Maria.
In his remarks to the nation he assured the worried nation that he knew exactly what he was up against. "They haven't seen anything like what's coming at us in 25, 30 years, maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet," said the President, forgetting about Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, Maria, Andrew, Sandy and Ivan which all devastated the country in the last three decades.
While the liberal media came quickly to criticize the Commander-in-Chief, the scientific community was by the President's side in no time. "Look politics aside, we have taken sometime to analyze the statement and we do expect the Hurricane to be both big and wet on what some would consider to be a tremendous scale. So, he's right. Technically, of course, and we have to give him credit on that," said Chief Meteorologist Jake Storm of FEMA.
When asked about the President's claims that 3,000 people didn't die because of Maria the scientific community as a whole said that they "wouldn't touch that batshit crazy remark with a ten foot pole."
