WASHINGTON D.C. - Frustrated with the dog and pony show of telling the President of the United States what to act on, care about, think, tweet, govern on and get angry about from over 200 miles away, Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy recently announced the show will be filming live inside the Oval Office so that they can more effectively shape the policy of the country.
"We want to make sure that we are really connecting with our key demographic. What better way to slander the left and make sure that the President tweets about immigration than to do it 100 feet away from where he falls asleep every night next to a bag of McDonalds?" said Doocy.
"We've got the guy in our pocket, why keep up the charade? Plus I've been told from my sources in the White House sometimes Trump gets distracted during the commercials and puts on old episodes of The Apprentice, if we are live in front of him, we can continue to blame Hillary and Obama for everything even when the cameras are not rolling."
Ainsley Earhardt, Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy are reportedly just taking any one of the dozens of empty offices that adorn the West Wing after Trump has had other people fire most of his staff over the last year and a half.
Press Briefings will also just be tapes of that morning's Fox and Friends episode with edited in clips of Sarah Huckabee Sanders calling reporter's valid questions "absolutely ridiculous," over and over again.
President Trump was initially against the idea until he was told by Doocy that he would still be allowed to tweet during the show and play Fruit Ninja on his iPad during the parts when they aren't directly talking to him.
WASHINGTON D.C. - President Donald J. Trump addressed the nation Friday night after he authorized a military strike in Syria after the leader Bashar al-Assad used chemical weapons on his own people. Surprisingly, the speech President Trump gave was on script, measured and delivered exactly as his speech writers had written it.
Directly off camera, Chief of Staff John Kelly stood holding up a sticker sheet and pointing to the teleprompter reminding Donald Trump what was at stake during the speech.
During the speech there were several times when the President was seconds away from going off speech to lament about "Lyin' James Comey" or how the allegations that he was urinated on by Russian prostitutes was ridiculous because he was a germaphobe and not because the idea of him sleeping with hookers is enough to deny alone. These diversions from the speech were quelled by the Chief of Staff's ability to negotiate with the President.
"It's no surprise to realize that Trump is mainly motivated by instant rewards such as applause or porn stars, so I decided to implement a Gold Star Sticker chart to track everyone's performance in the White House," said Kelly.
"All I had to do is give one to Jared for not getting arrested yet and Trump became infuriated. I told him to stay on message during the speech and he would get two, making him the leader of the chart. It's as easy as denying accusations of collusion on Twitter."
At the time of publication, Trump was debating whether or not to retweet Alex Jones or earn two stars to put him firmly in the lead on the chart. John Kelly also mentioned that if Trump tries to fire Robert Mueller he would have to pull out the scratch and sniff stickers to avoid a Constitutional crisis like this country has never seen.
WASHINGTON D.C. - Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced this week that he will not be seeking reelection next year when his term ends so that he can spend more time at home with his three month old Tax Plan. The new addition to Ryan's portfolio of accomplishments is causing it's father to step back from the limelight to watch it grow and prosper without the worries of having to deny having read President Trump's tweets every morning.
"This bill is going to add over 1.5 trillion dollars to the deficit of this country. That's a huge number, I don't think I would get the same satisfaction on Capitol Hill as I would on my back porch in Janesville watching these corporations save billions while the average worker's check goes up a buck and a half a week," remarked Ryan on his decision not to run.
"I don't know how long this plan has to live, and I want to be with it and give it the attention it needs while I still can. I mean it is the size of a postcard now, but it needs to add an unprecedented amount of debt to the deficit, that's not going to happen over night."
Ryan denies reports that he is quitting because he is afraid he will lose his reelection bid, is tired of having to work for President Trump or because the party he once nearly led as a Vice President nominee is in a mere shadow of its former self.
The Speaker of the House is also reportedly excited to grow a beard again and cannot wait to get the retirement money he earned from the government at the age of 50, while he can watch the average citizen work 15 more years before they get to retire.
