SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Jack Robinson, CEO of Georgia Pacific Paper Company and the maker of over 10 million poster boards every year is openly hoping and praying for President Donald Trump to fire the Special Counsel Robert Mueller.
"The protests would be unprecedented. And how do people let others know how pissed they are? With posters. Made with my poster boards," said the CEO. "I am two to three protests away from getting that second place up in the mountains that the wife and I have always dreamed about. Maybe that boat too."
When asked about his political standing Robinson admitted that he did indeed vote for President Trump despite not agreeing with his politics or bravado. "Look at the end of the day we are talking bottom line here. Hillary wouldn't sell poster boards. Maybe there would be a spike in paper sales when the Republicans would print out any email that she ever sent ever, but that can't touch what Trump has done to revolutionize the protest industry."
Robinson admitted that new innovations were being brought to market in response to the uptick in protests. A new board with an attachable carrying stick is in the works as well as ones with #bernie2020 already watermarked at the bottom.
WASHINGTON D.C. - Surprising even the most experienced of reporters and political commentators, the Trump White House made a striking move today by announcing that no members of the administration would be fired today. Additionally, no member of the Trump team would resign, no associate of his would be called to testify, no one in his inner circle would be subpoenaed, no White House official would be accused of domestic abuse and no one would be calling the President names behind his back all day.
"It is certainly a shakeup," said April Ryan, a correspondent covering the White House, "I mean not even a racial slur from Sessions? This is truly a sign of the administration in chaos."
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave a press briefing and didn't blatantly lie or dodge questions either. She even confirmed once again that the President did have an affair with the porn star, Stormy Daniels.
"It is just so unlike the President to act this way," said conservative talk show host Sean Hannity, "By lunch we at least have a no name staffer leaving and tweeting about the amazing job Trump is doing, but it is clear something is up today since no one has cleared out their office yet."
At the time of the report, Attorney General Jeff Sessions was trying to be reached for comment but was reportedly hiding in a local motel under a false name to stay out of the President's mind as he awaited his career ending tweet.
WASHINGTON D.C - In an unexpected response to Trump's comments that he would run into a school during a shooting without a weapon, John Kelson, a community theater producer and staunch liberal, offered his services in order to make Trump's fantasy a reality.
In what can only be described as an act of pure bipartisan generosity and kindness, Mr. Kelson offered to assemble a set and full cast to play out Trump’s fantasy of selfless heroism.
When we asked Kelson about the production, he said “When I heard what Trump said about running into a school unarmed, I was inspired to help him make his dream a reality.”
John Kelson is a talented producer of low budget theater productions which include popular plays such as Fallen Crows and the Death of Brandon Lee. Mr. Kelson has also been scrutinized in the past for unsafe working conditions on set following the death of one of his cast members after what investigators are calling a freak accident.
When questioned about his history of unsafe practices, Mr. Kelson had this to say; “I have made great strides to make our sets safer for everyone involved, ask everyone who is still alive.”
John then proceeded to provide examples of his cutting edge efforts to reduce on stage fatalities. “We are using blank ammunition in our production and we have placed them on the opposite end from the live ammunition on the prop table.”
When we pointed out the possibility of an ammunition mix up, John calmed our anxieties by stating that there would be at least an entire foot of length separate the two types of ammunition.
John gave us an exclusive inside scoop of his production which has already been fully casted except for President Trump himself, who has yet to accept the role as himself in the play. The cast includes Tim Farrows as the shooter. Tim is an aspiring actor with a rare genetic disorder that causes the muscles in his fingers to spasm sporadically and involuntarily. Despite this disorder, Tim promises a killer performance at the premier showing.
We expect the show to be a hit when it is released, but regardless of the reviews, we here at Balanced and Fair News are proud that liberals and conservatives can join hands in peaceful performances such as this one.
