Updated: Mar 17, 2021
BENTONVILLE, AR - After a recent string of mass shooting incidents that have taken place in Wal-Mart stores, the retail powerhouse has decided to act by banning the sale of handguns and handgun ammunition. To make up for the loss sales the retailer has proudly introduced a line of Roll-Back Bazookas, specifically engineered to make anything one chooses to hunt turn into smithereens.
Gun control advocates believe it is a great start. One local gun control advocate, Otto Amo said, "The choice of Wal-Mart to move into firearm product that has such a small capacity is a great step in the right direction. Think about it. With a bazooka, you can only get off about one round a minute unlike those dangerous hand guns and semi-automatic weapons."
The NRA, who was initially unhappy with the retail giant's decision to remove the handguns from their inventory, was excited to learn about the Bazooka's introduction into the store's inventory. They are repeatedly working with gun manufacturers to find a way to create a high capacity magazine for the new Bazooka line.
BATON ROUGE, LA - Locals of Southern Louisiana are bracing for impact from an incoming cold front expected to dip to at least 24 degrees. Reports indicate that most individuals polled are not satisfied with their $250 Walmart haul from four days ago and will venture out in the storm in search for canned meat products to help fend off starvation. Fearing the worst, locals have raided the nearby and neighboring Rouses Supermarkets and completely cleaned out the entire stores inventory of the dietary staples Bunny Bread and Vienna Sausage.
Single mother of two, Korie Breauxdeaux, was found in tears on Aisle Six of a local store, clutching the last can of potted meat. "I just don't know how I'm going to feed my children without 12 cans of my poor baby’s favorite processed can of ham. People are crazy out here, and I don't want my two kids to go hungry!"
Local meteorologists suggest that the affected weather advisory area could see as much as a quarter inch of a rain or slush mix. The impending storm not only has the general public panicked, but education administrators too. This includes officials at LSU and superintendents at the middle and high school levels, most of which have already shut down indefinitely until Louisiana decides to, according to one local area Principal, "pull herself together".
Many will be huddled together with friends and family tonight, trying to stay warm with SPAM sandwiches and space heaters, while others will brave the bitter cold for the opportunity to fist fight grocery store shoppers over the last link of boudin sausage. Just a remember from Balanced and Fair News’ fourth largest sponsor, all local 24-hour Wal-Mart locations will be open all day, ready for all your survival and fighting needs.