PORTLAND, ME - A local enthusiastic and misinformed bird recently chirped his way out of the constant group think of his flock as he decided to make a change this season and fly north for the winter, instead of the usual southern path.
“Every single year all my friends and family get together and fly down south for the winter without even asking me if that’s what I want to do,” chirped the misunderstood bird.
“Not me. Not this year. I’m gonna fly so fucking far north they won’t even believe it. Have fun sweating your feathers off in that dumbass sun... I’m gonna go experiment with those bright colored berries up in Greenland.”
Although he set his sights high for Greenland, our sources revealed that the little bird couldn't quite make it to his planned destination and ended up having to stop in Portland, Maine to recover.
"I am not a quitter, believe me, but damn, are my wings tired," said the bird to a reporter who met up with him during the pit stop. Assuring himself that he would take off in the morning, the bird found a nice bird house in a local backyard and rested.
Days passed and the bird still never left for Greenland.
"I'm getting my strength up," claimed the small songbird, "any day now... any day."
Yet, through the dead heart of the winter, the bird just nestled more and more into the birdhouse and gained lots of weight eating from a regularly stocked bird feeder.
The bird grew distant and stopped talking to our reporter on the scene.
The dream of Greenland seemed a far off memory.
The Sadness Affective Disorder had lodged it's toxic depression into the tiny brain of the fowl.
Then one still snowy night, the bird took off full force and flew into a windshield of a semi truck's window on the 295 North.
It's carcass was eaten by a passing stray dog days later.
Reports indicate all the birds that went south for the winter were having a blast in Rio at the time of publication.
WASHINGTON D.C. - As harsher winters hit the United States every year, the poor and disenfranchised citizens of northern states have struggled in the last decade to manage their limited income and heating costs. Luckily, Obama era guidelines have offered government assistance for their heating costs allowing these poor families' incomes to go farther.
In President Trump's new budget, these helpful subsidies would be eliminated. The President however, didn't see what the big deal was.
"Look, okay, so, like it snows in New York City, right, maybe you've heard of it, the city that never sleep, okay? It's where I'm from, frankly, and many people are saying this, it is the greatest city in the world, take it from me. Believe me. Anyways, so yeah, it snows, and do you ever see me in the snow? Does the dishonest media ever show pictures of me in the cold snow? I don't like the snow but the media wouldn't tell you that, they'd tell you I was Frosty the Snowman. Okay, but no when it snows, what do I do? I go to a little place, I don't know, maybe you've heard of it? Mar-a-lago? Hello, why do my taxes and believe me I pay taxes, man is this tax bill bad for me...Why are my taxes paying for these folks, okay, who need to stay in their homes? Okay so yeah I go to Florida, so I guess what I am saying is, maybe we can spend less heating the homes of those who are too stubborn to fly to their second homes in Florida. I don't heat Trump Tower with the government's money, okay? I have a Russian who pays for it," said the President when asked about the proposal.
Further reports indicate that when White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about the President's statement, she muttered, "I need a drink," under her breath while she began her rebuttal, making a connection between President Trump playing more golf so that the country could save money by not cleaning up any messes he could have made while otherwise trying to be President.