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Area Man Tries to Compensate for Ten Months of Neglect by Flossing Madly the Morning of his Dental E

SAN DIEGO - Local man Alexander Petit was taken aback last Tuesday when he received a text notification reminding him an upcoming dental appoint he had scheduled the following Thursday. “It just really snuck up on me,” remembered Petit, whose last dental exam had taken place so long ago, that Barack Obama was still Commander-in-Chief.

Reports indicate that the guilt from the previous trip had influenced Petit to purchase an expensive Sonicare toothbrush, hundreds of yards of floss, and special toothpaste with enough adjectives on the box to qualify as a pocket thesaurus. Although purchasing the items was a step in the right direction, application was a necessary follow up step that was overlooked.

“I liked the new toothbrush,” commented the dentally challenged San Diego resident, “I really thought the vibrating and rotating head acted as floss this whole time, I mean that’s a fairly reasonable mistake to make right?… right?” Reports say wrong. Recent studies show that no matter how much one flosses, dentist recommend that they should floss more.

Local dental hygienist Hannah Cockburn, a professional level flosser, three time all-state flossing champion and holder of stock in Glide brand floss, describes her recommendation, “Yes the basic level of flossing is once a day before bed, I prefer getting in a nice morning floss too, oh, and after lunch as well, and really between any meals, well, okay, if you really care about your teeth, you’ll floss between every single bite, after every swallow, and even when you are in bed ready to fall asleep. Even with that level of devotion I’ll probably shame a patient into needing to floss more, causing them to question their life choices and their own existence. But on the bright side, we give away free floss on the way out.”

In preparation for his appointment last Thursday, Petit desperately brushed his teeth with the highest setting engaged on his Sonicare toothbrush for a mouth-numbing ten minutes followed by a slow and bloody flossing session that revealed traces of meals eaten months ago. After nine yards of pink, bloodstained floss piled up in his bathroom wastebasket, and a long forgotten popcorn kernel shell was dislodged from his left molar, Petit was satisfied that he could answer his hygienist's inevitable question honestly enough when she asked, “So, have you been flossing lately?”

Petit reportedly left the dental exam needing a plethora of new dental procedures ranging from fillings and oral surgery, as well as a hefty, partially-but-not-totally covered by insurance bill, and a small baggie containing more floss than he had ever used before in his entire life.

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