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Book Received As Gift Slowly Realizes In Horror That It Will Never Be Read

SAN DIEGO, CA – On Christmas day local resident Alexander Petit was gifted a copy of David Baldacci’s The Collectors by his girlfriend’s father. The gift was an obvious last-minute choice when it was announced Alexander was slated to join the family for Christmas dinner. Upon opening the hastily wrapped novel Alexander was assured by his girlfriend’s father that, “This is something I think you’ll really enjoy, and you don’t necessarily need to read the first one.” His comment referenced the fact that the book was indeed the second book in a three-part series, giving Alexander even more proof this gift was an obvious last second and low-effort display of following proper Christmas etiquette.

Once home, Mr. Petit reportedly shelved the novel amongst several other thrillers on his home bookshelf that were years away from the Bestsellers Lists they once adorned. The book remained untouched throughout December and began to worry mid-January upon realizing that Petit spent most of his time watching The Office on Netflix, playing video games, and occasionally reading when he was performing a number two.

Judging by the dust on and around his new neighbors, The Collectors began to slowly realize that it was never going to be read by its new owner. Terror ran up the book’s spine when the fact dawned on it that it would, at best, be sent to a Goodwill store and sentenced to shelf duty there, perhaps lucky enough picked up by an elderly woman and live out the rest of its existence among her collection of Baldaccis.

Sources say as every day passes, the book continues to see fewer and fewer signs from Mr. Petit that it will ever leave the shelf and earn the premier spot on the nightstand next to his bed.

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