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Talented American Idol Contestant Without Tragic Past Has Absolutely No Chance Of Making It Past Fir

LOS ANGELES, CA - America’s greatness will be fully restored in the coming weeks when the hit singing competition American Idol graces us with its presence on prime time television once again. Reports out of America indicate that not only are the singers more talented than ever before, but the personal tragedies are more heart-wrenching than anything viewers could possibly imagine.

“We have one guy that was skiing while on vacation in Alaska when a pack of rabid wolves jumped out and ate his entire family,” said one of the show’s producers. “There’s a girl that lost half of her face and most of the skin on the right side of her body while trying to save an entire orphanage from a raging fire, and another who had to sell both of her kidneys after losing all of her money in a Ponzi scheme. And the singing isn’t bad either.”

While the talent may be better than ever, producers say one contestant clearly stood out from the rest of the crowd as early as the very first day of auditions.

“Marcus has the most amazing voice I’ve ever heard in my life,” said Katy Perry, an Idol judge and aspiring Real Housewife of Atlanta. “It’s flawless. Unfortunately, he’s never really experienced any personal tragedies, so I can’t see him making it past the first round. I guess there’s a slight chance, but it all depends on whether or not Angela wakes up from her coma in time to perform.”

Marcus, the owner of a small pizza shop in Lincoln, Nebraska, admits that his life has been pretty smooth to this point.

“My dad did pretty well in the stock market, so I never really had to worry about money growing up,” said the 29-year-old. “I was able to put aside some money, opened my own pizza place, and my life’s been pretty smooth ever since. My childhood dog got sick when I was a freshman in college and I thought we were going to have to put him down, but he made a full recovery. He’ll be 23 tomorrow...the vet can’t believe it.”

While he knows that his chances of surviving past the first round are slim to none, Marcus said he doesn’t mind and that he’s just having fun with it.

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