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New Starbucks Guidelines Prohibit Employees From Asking Customers If They Want Their Coffee Black

SEATTLE, WA - Due to recent issues with racial profiling at Starbucks, the popular coffee chain has introduced new guidelines that prohibit employees from asking customers if they would like their coffee black.

A spokesman for the company says that these new guidelines have been planned for months, and had nothing to do with the latest incident involving the controversial arrest of two black men in a Philadelphia Starbucks, who were committing the heinous crime of waiting at a table for their friend to arrive.

“I would like to set the record straight right now. I love black people. Starbucks loves black people,” said CEO Howard Schultz. “If I could, I would change the name of my company to ‘BlackBucks.’ By introducing these guidelines, we hope to avoid any further incidents for at least a few weeks. Our staff will be fully re-trained at every single location.”

According to Schultz, the guidelines explicitly prohibit any employee from making a reference to colors of any kind, including off-brand shades of colors.

“If this doesn’t work, the next step is to bar all employees from talking to or looking at customers at any time,” said Schultz. “The customers will place their order in an envelope and slip it through a concrete wall, at which point the employee will confirm they have received the order by tapping on the wall three times. Four taps and you’re fired.” 

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